Review: C*cky Author

C*cky Author by Fettucine Holliday

Book: Short story, approximately 60 pages

Boinks: 1

No monsters in this ebook, unless you count the one unleashed from a dude’s pants. This satire is riffing on the latest tweetstorm to plow through publishing, about an author’s decision to copyright the word “cocky” and send out cease & desist letters to anyone who has used that word in a romance title.

The best part? Some prolific and very fast writer has pounded out this little gem, one of the funniest erotic satire books in years. The story goes meta when Ella Pierce, a bookstore owner who’s about to lose her business thanks to a cease and desist letter from a corporate chain store, arranges for a booksigning to boost her clientele. Mark Meyers isn’t any pen jockey, however; he’s a top selling erotic romance author who practices what he preaches. As soon as Mark comes through that door, though, Ella notices something about him. He’s brash, arrogant, and what’s that word?

“It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t come out with it for some unknown reason,” said Ella.

After Mark wins over her cocker spaniel with his cocksure confidence, the heat is on, and so is some of the funniest “bad” writing this side of Twitter. After he sweet-talks her with lines like “when is the last time a man laid some pipe in you,” she’s ready to go.

“He tastes like salty hot dog water and old spinach fished out of the bottom of the crisper drawer, which gets my engine revving even louder.” There are so many great lines in this book, it’s hard to grasp just one in your hand, but that’s definitely a firm, throbbing winner, right behind “Mouth moving down, he sucks on every part of my skin bit by bit like a broken vacuum at an estate sale.”

The encounter is brief, but if you’re looking for several good laughs, you can’t beat it for $2.99 on Amazon.

Review: Taken by the Delivery Drone

Taken by the Delivery Drone by Tabatha Austin

Book: 44 pages

Boinks: 1

First things first: the cover made me buy this. A lot of authors don’t think the cover is important for e-books, but it can be, especially if someone is cruising for a fresh read. This cover was retro and pulpy and marvelous. It was bright, well-designed and caught my eye, which made me click further.

Alice is expecting a package, but she gets two when a delivery drone shows up. One she ordered, the other orders her around. It’s a nicely kinky tale about a drone who’s become sentient and wants to do some (ahem) experimenting. Alice won’t get her new tablet unless she gives in to the drone’s curiosity and need for sexual domination. A British accent issues commands (because who doesn’t love a British accent?) for Alice to explore her own body, and then mechanical tendrils and energy pulses do the rest.

“All my God. It is a vibrator–a floating one.”

It’s almost a tentacle tale, as the tendrils play a little “slap and buzz” with Alice, and finally finishing the experiment with full drone-on-housewife action. The drone takes care of business by knotting together its tendrils to form a “penis for the lady” upon Alice’s urgent, breathless request.

Austin knows how to write a hot, sustained sex scene and the BDSM is enjoyable without being too much. The buildup is solid, and the book has a nicely satisfying ending. Definitely worth the read and the book came with an excerpt of “Taken by the Tiki,” which sounds like a lot of fun between a rock and a hard place.

You can buy ‘Taken by the Delivery Drone” on Amazon, as well as many other titles by Austin. Personally, I’ll be checking out her “Captain Future” series because it looks cool as hell, too.

Double-header Review: Hillary’s Personal Emails & The Many Hues of Ted Cruz

Hillary’s Personal Emails: Secrets of State, Exposed (The Erotic International Politics of Sex) by Trashcan Jones

Book: 37 pages

Boinks: 1 (Kinda)

What was on that server, anyway? Author Trashcan Jones (ummm…okay) theorizes about some hot lovin’ no Congressional committee could cool down. Vlad is a Russian official ready to give a speech at the UN. Before that, though, he wants some diplomatic immunity under the sheets with Hillary, and they get down and dirty in each other’s inboxes.

The communiques build up steam as they move back and forth, involving lingerie, a big black toy and a funny reference to Hillary in a slinky pantsuit. The book is a quick read, since each email is usually less than a page long, but the language and scenes are surprisingly hot, with more sexy goodness and explicit talk than the usual political erotic satire.

Hillary’s Personal Emails is available from Amazon.

 

The Many Hues of Ted Cruz: A Crayon Erotica Parody by Ennui Mankini

Book: 32 pages

Boinks: 2

What do Ted Cruz, a tuna sub and a box of crayons add up to in a stark hotel room? One of the wildest, weirdest erotic adventures ever. At a nameless town in a nameless midwestern state, Cruz nails his talking points even though he’s not paying attention. He’s just trying to get through the day and relax with a little “Ted time.” Some people like spanking, some like latex, Cruz likes the pouty sensuality of crayons, and he’s going to give it to them good.

“Somewhere beneath their little paper sleeves, he knew the crayons longed for him too. And, as he admired their clean, flush tips, he himself grew a waxy tumescence.”

This is just the kind of gonzo, over-the-top erotic parody than I love. It’s sharp, funny and wild. Imagine all the kinky things one person can do with a box of 64 crayons, from coloring pictures to sniffing them to placing them in locales no crayon has gone before, and beyond. The author keeps ratcheting up the absurdity, including Cruz arguing his inner conflict between his love of so many colors and the fact that the rainbow has a definite non-conservative reputation. Love between a man and his crayons wins in the end, especially when Cruz finds the ultimate stash of crayons thrown out by a fast food restaurant.

Bits of wisdom gleaned from this book:

You can’t hold a microphone and do town-hall jazz hands at the same time.

Crayons smell like roast beef.

The phrase “rainbow manatee” and the accompanying mental image is very difficult to get out of your head, along with the phrase “Home Depot paint swatch center gang-bang.”

Everybody loves a T-Rex and bacon. Not necessarily together, though. Just don’t drink anything while reading this e-book, unless you like snorting diet soda on your e-reader.

The Many Hues of Ted Cruz is available at Amazon, and you can download your own Ted Cruz to print and color from the author’s website.

 

 

Double-header Review: A Trumping in the Night & Bernie’s Desire

A Trumping in the Night: Making the Country, and Romance, Great Again by Kaitlin McBridge

Book: 23 pages

Boinks: 2

In a straight-faced satire worthy of a Colbert Report segment, Kate discovers the one thing that can fix her break-up blues: the raw sexuality of Donald Trump. With one steely-eyed stare into the camera during a Republican debate, Trump sends her into an aroused frenzy. Those eyes, that hair! She’s hooked by his animal magnetism, and falls into various fantasies whenever she spots him on TV.

Her fantasies echo with his personal power, no hairpiece-on-muff action, just satisfaction from a distance. When tooting her own horn is no longer enough, she sets out to meet him and discover the real sizzle in his steak.

The book is a breezy two dozen pages, and there’s a sly subplot with her ex, Jed (cough, Jeb! cough) who just isn’t enough man for her. It’s a fun, quick read, and you’ll have to see for yourself if Kate gets the Trumping she desires, although I admit I almost expected the bald eagle to fly down for a threesome in the big scene. You can read it as a Trump fan or a Trump critic, it works either way.

A Trumping in the Night is available from Amazon.

 

Bernie’s Desire: The Presidential Passion Series by I.I. Dene

Book: 47 pages

Boinks: 5

You’ll definitely feel the Bern after this read. Remi is a strung-out mess escaping a billionaire boyfriend by hiding out at Bernie’s Vermont commune farm. It’s a socialist paradise where everyone works hard and plays harder. Sanders is a hands-on guy, too, although his sex scenes are with his wife Jane, he teaches Remi how to milk a goat. That’s not a euphemism, although it should be. There’s lots of Bernie-speak scattered through the book, which is hilarious at certain spots, like when he yells “Let’s get socialist!” when he shifts into a bear form or talks dirty (“Break up the banks! Overturn Citizens United!”) during an outdoor interlude with Jane. By the way, the bear-shifting is a nice paranormal touch and somehow fits in with Sanders’ larger-than-life personality in the book, along with the obligatory Bernie-chopping-wood-shirtless scene.

While Remi’s backstory drags the plot down a bit, it’s meant to highlight her own shift into Bernie’s world, and the author makes up for it with the all-out orgy at the pig roast. Bernie and Jane guide the whole group during the scene into a living “perpetual orgasm” machine, making sure every person gets their fair share.  Just imagining Bernie Sanders telling someone “I’m a shower not a grower” is entertaining all on its own and apparently Trump isn’t the only one whose mere presence inspires hot, sexy feelings in women and men.

The sex scenes are imaginative but don’t go into a lot of description or detail; otherwise, this book is a hoot and will be enjoyed by any open-minded Bernie fan with a free hand.

Bernie’s Desire by I.I. Dene is available at Amazon. The Presidential Passion Series also includes Donald, Billionaire in Sin and The Light in Jeb’s Eyes.

Review: Slave to the Empire: An Erotic Star Wars Adventure

Slave to the Empire: An Erotic Star Wars Adventure by Ravyn Jade

Book: 59 pages

Boinks: 6

Can’t get tickets to the new Star Wars movie release? Find some release of your own with this stylish book set in the Star Wars universe. Those looking for a little Luke/Leia nookie or some Yoda/Chewie action (hey, we don’t judge) will be disappointed, but that will fade once they are sucked into the story.

Myrri is a slave, taken as a child during a Rakatan raid and sold to a brothel. Ten years later, the lone human among the Flowers of the brothel’s Garden makes her debut. She spends a stormy, passionate night with a a Nagai Sith who uses the Force on her body for sexual pleasure, including Force Lightning on all the sweet spots plus a little Force choking for fun. He sees the darkness within her and unleashes it, leaving her drained and sporting a mysterious tattoo on her rump. Through her next few clients, she discovers how to use the Force, heightening orgasms and also accidentally killing a dude through pleasure along the way.

Her reputation as a sexy and very dangerous Flower lands her a client she can’t refuse: a smuggler in a rancor hide coat named Fenn Darius. Can he tame the dark power within her? Or will she get them both killed while facing a rampaging rancor for her master’s sport? It’s a great story, it flows well. The sex scenes are hot, and the author paints a lush, erotic picture of Myrri with her glistening skin and dark blue hair.

This appears to be the first in a series, and I hope Jade continues the story so all those horny Star Wars fangirls and fanboys can get their Force freak on. Slave to the Empire: An Erotic Star Wars Adventure is available from Amazon.

Review: Oppressed in the Butt by My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups

Oppressed in the Butt by My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups by Chuck Tingle

Book: 42 pages

Boinks: 1

I was somewhat aware of Chuck Tingle’s work when he whipped out a book about the blue/gold dress of Internet debate fame, but I waited until now to fork over the cash for a Tingler. Why did I wait so long, Chuck? So much wasted time.

This book is about a man so crazed over Christmas that the highlight of his season is the annual Starbutts Christmas coffee and corresponding cup. After waiting in line overnight and experiencing a fever dream involving Santa, Jesus and reindeer liquids, he finally get his coffee cup and it’s a plain, unadorned red. The main character, Jabua, hits his head, ends up in the hospital and has a meltdown, followed by a rigorous gay orgy with giant holiday coffee cups.

The cup-on-man-on-cup sex is straightforward without a lot of detail or description and that’s fine. What makes this book irresistible is the humor. It’s sly, wicked and absurdly glorious.

“I’m completely straight,” says Jabua, a former preacher turned viral video maker and, up till now, monogamous husband. “But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I am very impressed with the size of their hulking cup wangs.”

The story satirizes the Starbucks holiday coffee cup argument, the war on Christmas and the Ashley Madison hack in one wild, cock-filled swoop. There’s also a hilarious additional story included in the ebook about the entire state of California on a stalker vacation for gay sex. Both are so much fun, I overlooked the occasional typo. I highly recommend this for the sharp and clever writing, and now I need to start reading Tingle’s considerable back catalog including “Pounded by President Bigfoot.”

You can buy this title on Amazon or visit Chuck Tingle’s website.

Review: Frankenstein’s Monster (Erotic Monster Series)

Frankenstein’s Monster (Erotic Monster Series) by JG Newton

Book: Approx. 56 pages

Boinks: 1

I really wanted to love this book. The cover art is fun, and I expected the story to be cheeky and a thoroughly naughty romp. Sad to say, there’s only one sex scene in the book, and it takes place in the second half. The author talks about the main character’s dude-banging history, but it’s all tell and no show until she sneaks into the lab sees the monster. The one bit of monster boinking has a couple of hot spots, but the author isn’t specific enough when it comes to the down and dirty details. When you have to stop and say “Hey, where did that extra penis go?” it spoils all the fun.

The story ends with a bit of a cliffhanger, but there doesn’t seem to be a follow-up book to continue the story.

If you would like to try the title for yourself, you can find it and Newton’s other works on Amazon.

Review: Moan for Bigfoot

Moan for Bigfoot (originally Cum for Bigfoot) by Virginia Wade

Book: Approx. 35 pages

Boinks: 8

Bigfoot made a big impact on mainstream media months ago and tongues were wagging (both in and out of the book) but how was it, really?

Pretty damn good.

Wade sets a saucy tone early, thanks to the simmering hormones of teenagers in the woods. Although there’s no action in the first chapter, she makes up for it by packing it into the remaining five chapters. The storytelling is efficient and effective; no pussyfooting around with lengthy plot development that we don’t need. After a drunken night around the campfire, Porsche, Leslie and Shelly are separated from the group and abducted to become Bigfoot’s nookie pals. Their adventures with Bigfoot are inspired and hot, and yet each scene reflects the characters’ personalities rather than just by-the-numbers hanky panky. The man in the first sex scene is more of a figurative dick, while Bigfoot is actually more sensitive and giving when it comes to pleasure and he’s packing an extra surprise. A nice twist of the plot and panties, so kudos to Wade. There’s both one-on-one and group action, too, plus a tip of the hat to the classic “rug by the fireplace” setting.

This book ends with an escape attempt by the girls in a cliffhanger, and the story arc continues over a 15-volume series. Throughout it all, Wade never loses the sizzle or the sideways humor that makes this story so much fun to read. In monster erotica, Bigfoot’s tales are the cream of the oh-so-hairy crop.

Moan for Bigfoot can currently be found in a multi-book series anthology, both in print and ebook. You can also visit her site as well.